1.2 Decisions in the Dark

Dear Jenny. There hasn't been much to write about lately. I've actually been feeling kind of down. Perseus hasn't called, and I'm too ashamed to call him, so I've tried to keep myself busy with other things. It feels kind of good though, to admit that I miss him and that the lack of being with him is probably why I feel so listless. I tend to just push those thoughts to the back of my mind. The school is taking up a lot of my time now. I try to be there for everyone, both the students and the other staff members. They are very kind to me, but I've felt all along that the teachers sort of look down on me, for just being “the help”. I haven't been able to show anyone what I can really do. All that is gonna change now. One of the elementary school teachers is retiring in a few weeks. I've been hearing rumours about it, but I was too shy to go and ask Principal O'Mackey about it. Today, just as I was about to go home, he stuck his head out of his constantly open office door and asked me to come see him for a minute. He offered me the job! I was beside myself, I couldn't stop thanking him, I'm afraid I made a bit of a fool out of myself, but that's okay. When I walked across the school yard to get my bike, I was actually so happy that I joined in with some of the girls jump roping. The looks they gave me! It was very funny. When I finally went to unlock my bike, I glanced up and saw Principal O'Mackey looking at me from his window. Embarrassiiiing! But I think I saw a smile on his lips, and I know he's a kind hearted man so I really just think he enjoyed seeing me so happy. It took me some flustered and red-cheeked thinking to get to that conclusion though, believe me. On my way home I just couldn't stop smiling. This is going to be a great year, after all.

***

[Some of the words on this page are difficult to read, as the paper in some places seems to have gotten wet and the ink smeared.]

I saw him! I saw Perseus just now! I'm writing this just as I've come home and I still haven't calmed down. He was fishing in the park.

I saw him from miles away, or so it seemed anyway. He wasn't turned to me, thank the maker, but I still knew it was him. I knew his back and his hair and I could see the black rims of his glasses and... Oh, Jenny, right now I really wish you were an actual person that I could talk to. But I have no one. None of my work friends know about Perseus. And I don't really have any other friends. Not that I mind all that much, usually. I've never had any close friends, it really seems like a bit of a burden to me. But I'm digressing! I saw him! Yes, I saw him. I saw him. My heart is beating like a drum inside my chest still, and it's not from the bike ride home. I can't believe he had this effect on me. I had anticipated to see him eventually, this is a small town after all. But I thought I was okay with it. I really did. I've even been flirting a little bit with Finn at work. But I realise now that he's nothing compared to what I feel for Perseus. It was difficult enough to get out of his sight even though my brain was telling me to, I'm just drawn to him like bees to honey. He is my honey. Well, he was. He's not my honey. All of this pent up emotion is messing with me. I'm crying all over the page.

***

Dear Jenny. Yesterday must have been one of the most emotion-rollercoaster-intensive days of my life. Since my father's death I've never felt so agitated as I did yesterday morning when I wrote the last entry. It took me a good while before I could stop crying. And when I did, I felt like I couldn't stand another second in this excuse of a home. All I could think of was that this place was the reason Perseus and I were not together. So I tried to hide the swelling around my eyes with some make-up, and went to The Red Shed. 

I didn't drink anything, I learned my lesson that night at Bamboo-Zle. The bartender was very kind and patient with me. She probably thought I needed someone to talk to and waited to hear if I had some exciting life story to tell her, but I just sat there, staring at the people; the families, the groups of laughing friends, the couples. Finally I figured I'd better get home, since bicycling in the dark isn't exactly my favourite pastime. It had already gotten quite dark when I turned onto my street and through the trees saw the white block that is my refrigerator. I left the bike leaning against a tree and walked over to the big oak that shelters my few belongings from the rain. Imagine my surprise when I turned to see a man sitting on my bed!

[Ignore the light in the picture, I did not consider it when I wrote the text. :P /Alexandra] It was dark, but I knew that it was Perseus the instant I saw him, I never even had the time to be frightened for a second, other than being a bit startled at the unexpected and unfamiliar sight. At first, I just watched him in amazement. He was staring thoughtfully in front of him.

“Is this how you live?” he asked in a low, monotone voice. He slowly turned his gaze up at me.

“This is why you refused to let me in, isn't it?” I didn't know what to say. So I just hung my head in shame. He sighed.

“I saw you, you know, today. You left so quickly that I figured you must have seen me too, right?” I nodded in response. In spite of myself there were butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. But my thoughts turned in another direction.

“How did you find me?” I asked bewildered. “He couldn't have followed me, could he?” I thought.

“I didn't stalk you, if that's what you're asking. I've known for a while where you live, I just didn't have the guts to come here. I got your address from the principal at the school.” He sighed again. His whole demeanour was full of sadness. I have never seen him this way before and it made the butterflies in my stomach turn into a knot of guilt and anguish. But suddenly I could feel his energy shifting. He stood up swiftly and looked straight into my eyes, just the way he did that first time I met him. He grabbed my arms firmly, but not harshly and almost demanded:

“You love me.” His voice was calm. I was surprised by his words, but not at the way that he said them. It always was his way to use frank and matter-of-fact statements when his emotions were high. The whole situation, seeing him, feeling him, hearing him say those words to me hit me to the core. I didn't think I could get a single word out, but there was no nodding in response to this so I forced the word out of my dry mouth.

“Yes.” His face lit up with even more emotion. He pulled me close and held me fast against his body. All of me ached to to hug him back, and I did.

“Then let's move in together.” he said hurriedly as if the decision had to be made now or the moment would pass and it would be too late. “My apartment is small, but it's enough for us.” I could hear how confident he was. How sure he was that I would oblige. But I couldn't.

“No” I said woefully. “I can't leave here. I know it sounds strange, but this is all I have left of my father. He wanted me to live here and make a home for myself. Here. I can't leave. I won't.” He looked at me with astonishment in his grey eyes, but I could see he wasn't angered.

“Fine” he said, giving me the feeling that it was all settled. “I'll give up the apartment and move here. I don't have much money, but I'm sure we can afford one of those off-the-shelf garden sheds or guest houses that people buy and put in their gardens. They're cheap. There won't be much room, even less than in the apartment, but it will have to do for now. Okay?” Perseus had talked so fast that I had only just started to grasp what he meant when he looked at me questioningly. I turned my head away and bit my lip. “Is he for real?” I knew he was.

“Yes, oh of course, yes.” I said, planting a hard kiss on his lips.

We slept at his place last night, and this morning Perseus went to his landlady and cancelled the contract for his apartment. This afternoon we're going shopping for a little house..!

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This chapter is way shorter than the last one. The reason is that I didn't have that many pictures to fit with my story. In the next chapter you will get to see their new house, yay! It's quite cute, I think, but as you can imagine - way too small to raise a family in! We'll see how they solve that little issue... Also, I've changed the layout several times the last few days, but I'm finally pretty happy with it. The background is from the neighbourhood where the family lives - isn't it just beautiful?