1.4 Get Out

Dear Jenny. I'm sorry for stopping so abruptly yesterday. I could hear Perseus coming home and I didn't want him to see me writing. I guess I should finish what I started yesterday, though.

When I had asked Perseus that awful question, at first he just stared at me. I couldn't tell whether he had not heard me or if he was considering what he really wanted.

To have called me nervous in that moment would have been an enormous understatement. I knew that if his answer was yes, I would have a very difficult decision in front of me. I didn't want to lose this baby. But I didn't want to lose Perseus either. To my relief, he smiled kindly and took my hand.

“My darling. Is that what you thought?” His voice was calm and collected, but he was clearly affected by what I had said.

“I'm really sorry that we haven't talked about it. I don't know what to say. Of course I want a child with you. It just came as such a surprise. Let's just forget these weeks and move on, okay?” Something in his voice alarmed me, but the words were so to the point of what I had wanted to hear, that I swept it under the rug of my mind. I smiled, my eyes fillings up with tears. Perseus pulled me close to him on the couch and kissed my forehead.

“It will all be al right.”

As my pregnancy has progressed quite a bit I am now finally getting used to it. If you ever can, considering that it by definition changes constantly. The children at the school are so amazed by my big tummy, and the teachers are buzzing around me all of the time, trying to help make working a bit easier for me. 

I don't think I will be able to work much longer, though, I am quite big and chasing after children in the school yard isn't exactly done with grace. I've also taken a bigger interest in painting. It really soothes me which in turn soothes the baby. I find that he sleeps better while I'm outdoors among the trees and the birds, something that he probably has from his father.

But it's not all fun and games. The famous “waddle walk” has become one of my characteristics and the extra weight makes my back hurt something fierce. 

We have been talking a lot about where to put the baby. The house is so small and crowded already that we can barely fit a crib in there, let alone a changing table, clothes, toys and so on. We don't even have a dining table to put a high chair at. Finally, we decided on buying another one of these guest houses. This one is smaller, only one room with two windows, but that will be enough for a baby's room of course. This time the building is taking a little longer, but that is okay, we're in no hurry.

Oh wow, I can't keep my eyes open. I've been sleeping sooo much these last couple of months. I think I'm off to bed. Night night.

***

Dear Jenny. I read a very interesting book at the library the other day.

“How To Affect Your Baby In The Womb”. I'm not sure if it's all humbug, but wouldn't it be nice if we really could get to know our babies before they even were born? Playing music that we like so that they will like it too would also be useful. Once they hit their teens there would probably be less conflicts, hehe. I know my dad was annoyed sometimes when I played music that he didn't like. I miss him. I wish he could be here to see his grandchild grow up.

***

Dear Jenny. Yesterday when I came home from the library, Perseus was sitting by the computer. Nothing wrong with that, he occasionally uses it to find the cheapest prices for seeds and plants and stuff like that. But today I could see on his face that something was wrong.

I saw it through the window, because once I opened the door, I saw him quickly moving and clicking the mouse a couple of times which instinctively led me to believe that he had closed some page or application that he didn't want me to know about., and he then looked at me with a big smile that just didn't feel genuine. I pretended to not have noticed and went about my business (which mainly was laying down on the sofa, complaining of my sore feet) for the rest of the day as usual. 

But when we had gone to bed and I saw that Perseus was sound asleep, I tip toed out of bed over to the computer. Being very pregnant, I wasn't really all that quiet or discreet, but P didn't seem to stir. He had had a long evening of weeding out in the garden. “Let's see what he's hiding.” I thought to myself without really feeling all that anxious. I didn't expect porn or a secret second family or anything like that. Going through the recent searches and visited pages, however, I found something that just seems so much worse to me.

“Legal obligation to mother” and “child out of wedlock” Read the searches. The pages he had then visited were all filled of legal talk about this, well, you can probably imagine. He had apparently also read through a couple of forum threads about leaving a woman that was with child, and whether one could be charged for anything like that or if one was obligated to keep in touch with the mother and child.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I felt numb all over. “He is leaving me”. That's the only thought that went through my mind, over and over. He is leaving me. I haven't been able to sleep at all tonight. But once he wakes up I will ask him about this. There is no point in waiting for him to do it, I just want to get it over with.

***

Dear Jenny. I'm at the hospital. I'm doped up with pain medicine. Without it I don't think I would be able to write. As Perseus got dressed yesterday morning, about an hour after my last diary entry, I watched him from the sofa in silence.

I waited for him to come into the other room and start to prepare his breakfast. Then I stood up and gathered my courage and strength.

“You're leaving me.” I said coldly. I didn't want to beat around the bush or have him give some lame excuse. Perseus turned slowly, his hands holding onto the kitchen counter. He stared at me blankly.

“What?” I could hear a tremble in his voice. He wasn't sure how much I knew. I nodded in direction of the computer.

“I saw your searches. I saw what you were reading yesterday.” He let go of the counter and took a few steps towards me. We met halfway across the room. I looked at him, with rather helpless and begging eyes, I'm afraid.

“How can you do this to me? I thought you loved me.”

“I do love you.” He said in an exculpatory tone and held his hand up in defence.

“Then what the hell are you planning to leave me for? We have a baby on the way and you want to know what your reliabilities are if you leave?!” I was steamed up now, but my manner was still that of a hurt, disappointed, abandoned woman.

“You wanna know why?” He said, snapping. I could see it in his eyes. “I just can't do this! And now here you are expecting all of these things of me, asking me why I'm looking for a way out!?” I couldn't exactly follow his reasoning but it was perfectly clear what his intent was.

“Fine, I get it! This is too much responsibility for you. I should have known. You couldn't even hold on to a job to put food on the table, because it was too boring.” I emphasized the last word with a babying voice. “Then leave, get the hell out of here, it's what you want!” I was screaming by now, my eyes burning with the tears of anger.

“No, I won't.” He said weakly.

“Then I will!” I rallied on, and made for the door. I just thought I should go outside and get some fresh air to clear my mind. But I never made it to the door. An excruciating pain hit my lower abdomen and kept it's grasp firmly, the pain sending shivers of anguish up my spine and through my body.

“Ooh” I let out, putting my arms around my stomach in an attempt to stabilize myself so that I wouldn't fall down on my knees. My hands were shaking. Perseus had just started yelling something at me when all of this happened. In an instant he got quiet. The memories after that are vague. I saw his face next to me, white as marble. I know I grabbed the journal and held it close to me all the way to the hospital. The trees went by in a very fast pace as I lay in the cab screaming.

I don't know for how many hours I was in that hospital bed with all those white clad people around me. It felt like an eternity of agony and doubt. I could barely think of the life that was emerging. All I could think of was surviving. I know it sounds silly now, people don't die from giving birth these days. Not often anyway. But that's honestly the thought I was hanging on to.

It was a boy. I've known it all along even though I've refused Perseus' wish to see the gender on the ultrasound. His name is Ash.

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This chapter has a more even picture-to-text-ratio and I really hope that you guys like it, even though some of the pictures are very simple (like the last one for example). My question for you today is - what do you think of Perseus?